beauty remains skin deep but scars go even deeper

Another Blog!

2011-05-13T10:21:00.000-07:00

'beauty remains skin deep but scars go even deeper' is feeling quite redundant now. I've moved on.
So now here is a new blog of mine:

http://healingthehurt-backfromthebrink.blogspot.com/

please follow!

P.S- Thank you so much to my followers of this blog, you've been so supportive and lovely! xx

2011-04-15T01:44:00.001-07:00

2011-03-09T10:21:00.001-08:00

it's not a coincidence that 'therapist' has the word 'rapist' in it.

2011-03-08T13:10:00.001-08:00

Nice Naive and Beautiful

2011-03-08T12:56:00.000-08:00

Back again

2011-03-05T11:29:00.000-08:00

I'm sure many will have stopped taking much interest in my blog now, because I write so infrequently now.
But this blog was never really for an audience, just for me. A place to heal, grow and recover.

I'm nearly 18. That means I'm not going to be with the adolescent unit for much longer. It means I'll be getting a new therapist and will be transferred to adult services. I'm happy but slightly nervous about starting all over again.
I'm starting an art course soon, another attempt to get my education back on track! I'm confident it'll be good.

I'll blog again very soon.

New Blog

2011-01-27T04:34:00.000-08:00

hey you guys i'm taking a slight break from blogging text ( in case you didn't realize) so I've got a tumblr account:

hannahinthenewworld.tumblr.com
< this is the blog for my creativity, my inspiration and such things (a positive blog!) so follow me on here if you want :)

Don't worry i'm not abandoning anyone! I'll be posting here very soon, I just want to focus on non-depressing things for the minute!

all my love to all my followers <3 xxxx

2011-01-20T05:18:00.001-08:00

Little Earthquakes

2011-01-16T04:07:00.000-08:00

I'm going back to the unit on Tuesday. But this time I'm only a day patient, which is good because staying over isn't benefiting me at all.

I haven't self harmed in so long (7 months) the urge is subsiding ever so slightly.

Oh these little earthquakes, doesn't take much to RIP us into pieces.

Because I Can

2011-01-11T11:20:00.000-08:00

M was lying on his back, My head resting on his chest, comforted by its steady rising and falling. His warm arms wrapped lovingly around me. I remembered all those past silly teenage conversations my school friends used to have, stories of lost virginity, the drama. It's a superficial thing I think I'd have hated had I actually experienced the choice of a lost virginity but I really never got to share in those stories. I put my head down when conversations about sex and love ever arose. I never experienced the anxious anticipation of a "first time".
Curious I looked up at M, "When you lost your virginity, was it planned or did it just happen?"
He looked a bit confused for a second, I guess he didn't understand why I wanted to know, but then he laughed softly and said, "It was a bit of both really, why?"
I cuddled up to him more, "I just... never really... had a first time, you know?"
M squeezed me tight and said, "I'm your first time. I want to be your new start."
"Awh!" I beamed, "That's so sweet! You already are my new start"
And then I realized, M was my first time. He was the first person I actually made love to. The others are just sex or rape. This is making love, this is different. I will always feel like I lost something that I wasn't ready to lose, I will always feel angry but M's constant understanding and love will always overpower that.

Pretty Reckless

2010-12-18T10:48:00.000-08:00

No more being strong.

It's been kicked out of me.

I can't go into full details... I don't think my soul can take reciting the drama over and over. I went to the unit, was refused my medication, was left crying a room for two hours, my alter Isaac was ignore and mistreated, I was abandoned and victimised. BY THE PEOPLE WHO WERE SUPPOSED TO HELP ME.

I don't know I feel anymore, if I want to go back, if I even can... all that progress, all that faith.... smashed!

I have not cut. But it's only a matter of time before the pot boils over.

Feeling pretty reckless. Like I want to rebel. I want to fuck the system that has let me down so much!

2010-12-10T06:30:00.000-08:00

I'm at home today. I've been given extended leave so from now on i'll only be in the ward from Tuesday-Thursday which is really not that bad! I've been doing a lot of therapy.... it's hard but I'm apparently making progress. The other patients are very reluctant for therapy but I think because I've dismissed therapy for so long I'm past that and ready to work my ass off to get better!

"Near to you, I am healing, but it's taking so long,"

M has told me he's so proud of the progress I've made, it felt good he said it aloud. My love for him grows everyday.

Sorry I haven't been blogging for ages xx

2010-11-21T06:07:00.000-08:00

Life in an adolescent unit.
It's weird having to ask a nurse if you can go to your room to get something, it's weird sitting with a lot of other people with difficulties, it's weird having nurses follow you everywhere, ask you what you're doing all the time. It's weird having a routine, a set dinner, a bedtime and a waking up time.
But therapy is good, i'm actually progressing and it's only been a week!!

2010-11-12T07:34:00.001-08:00

I saw the inpatient centre on tuesday. I got a bit scared and thought I wasn't ready but I've decided it's something I need to do. Need to pack my bags and be ready to leave on Monday.
I will speak soon guys! I promise!

update

2010-11-06T05:02:00.000-07:00

I am still here. Not in hospital yet. Well not where I was before, I have moved house this week which is why I've not been blogging much- too busy moving boxes!!

I'm going to veiw the inpatient centre on Tuesday... to be honest i'm eager to go, get things done and leave!

My relationship with M has got even stronger now, we were both in a car crash. Makes you wake up and realise how lucky you are to be here! No one was hurt too bad though M's car was crushed and my ribs are really sore from the seatbelt. It wasn't M's fault though there was a car mysteriously parked in the middle of the road on an extremely dark street and we just ploughed into it! I was shaken up so bad, crying and hugging M, he kept apologising even though it wasn't his fault, he said he felt dreadful because i was in the car. So we're even closer than ever having experienced something so unexpected and horrible!
Poor M is working overtime to pay for a new car :(
Sorry if I'm not around for a while, internet in the new house is being tempremental.

I'm right by your side

2010-10-27T12:36:00.000-07:00

I've made the decision. I'm going to be an In-patient, I asked myself one question: Can I go on like this?
And the answer was clear. I'm scared. But I know this has to be done. I want to be at peace, with everything, with myself. I'm probably going to complain about it when I get there, I'm probably going to want to leave, I'm going to force myself to face everything I've been running from. It's the only way.

M has been right by my side, he said we'll get through this and I believe him, he said he's going to visit everyday (It's 45 mins away by car and it has visiting hours everyday)
He makes me feel confident with my decision, I couldn't do it without him. I want to move forward with me and with us, find some closure.
I don't know if this will heal me at all, but it's worth a shot, things can only get better.

Me: I don't want to leave you
M: You're not leaving me, I'm right by your side.

2010-10-26T14:01:00.000-07:00

Daddy I love you. I guess you'll always be a mystery to me.

2010-10-24T13:46:00.001-07:00

i'm thinking of changing my blogger template... i want something... less busy, a bit more open. Just finding what I want is hard :/

2010-10-21T10:40:00.000-07:00

I was very inspired by this quote, so i thought I'd create something with it... voila! quote, pretty ornate flowers and me walking away from my darkness...

if only every spontaneous quote and picture truly captured how i feel 100% of the time :/, I quote positive things to help me go on, but I'm never truly this uplifting... most of the time I'm just depressed.

2010-10-17T15:08:00.000-07:00

Something came to me one solemn day. I realized the simple sentence:

'Even blinded you are beautiful'

It was Alice, my alter, who gave me this mantra. That's why the photo above I chose, I made sure looked a little like A. She's happy about that.

But the concept is pretty simple. I am blinded. I have pain that will take me a long time to heal, there are things I can't reveal to myself yet... like the reality of my weight and my true potential in life.

So what Alice means... Even though I have a distorted vision of myself... even though Ana has a deep hold on me, I am still beautiful.

{don't ever forget it}

2010-10-13T04:42:00.001-07:00

I HATE YOU ANA!

GET AWAY FROM ME!

2010-10-02T14:00:00.000-07:00

I am in a mood for italic today.

Life is going on and on, as it does... I can never make it slow down or change, I just have to keep moving in it's crazy rhythm. I'm strangely positive this evening, considering I've spent all day lying on the sofa watching movies, feeling shitty and sorry for myself. I guess sometimes a strange wave of courage floats over me, giving me, well, ME.
M came over briefly, he's got a new job working 6.00-2.30 pm it's hard cause he's so tired and I don't get to see him as much, but we're making it work. M kept me warm in his jacket and I ranted on about my insecurities. He's a good listener.

My therapist is considering an in-patient program for me (meaning I'll go to a hospital ward for a month at minimum) I don't know how I feel about this, I feel numb when it gets mentioned. I have many thoughts:
Could it be the making of me?
Will I feel abandoned?
Will M understand?
How will I cope with therapy 24/7?
Will I feel trapped?
OR Will I not want to go back to the real world?

Back to my positive emotion again, I know I am strong... I am stronger than most think!
I'm determined to make something of my life, determined to help other people with depression and EDs,
I'm making a website for ED sufferers, a recovery one! One with a community and not the obvious 'What is anorexia?' headings (of course I'll have a section for friends/family of sufferers) I just feel recovery websites need to be more accessible and friendly. I'll blog more on this later.

Another thing I've noticed....
Whenever there's a campaign for 'healthy, curvy women' it's always women in their early 30's! There are no 'curvy' teens, nothing to tell teens they have 'normal' bodies. It's what I needed. It's what young girls continue to need (and not an older person either, someone their age embracing their body!!!)

Sleeping is hard to do these days :(

2010-09-29T13:34:00.001-07:00

If only I could cut and rainbows would pour out.

2010-09-28T12:20:00.000-07:00

sometimes I think I look at the world differently to other people. Is my mind distorted or are theirs?

2010-09-27T04:25:00.000-07:00

2010-09-19T05:44:00.000-07:00

Just to let you guys know I am still alive... things have been so up in the air recently, especially with alters. All three have been disrupting my day to day life this week. Mainly because my therapist mentioned hospital might be a helpful thing for me. I don't want to go, I don't want to leave M but what if I don't go and it's my only chance to get better?????

2010-09-16T07:20:00.001-07:00

she's gone.

2010-09-09T14:51:00.000-07:00

I am small, I am needy. Warm me up, and breathe me.

I had my last meeting with my eating disorder nurse last week. It was very sad because I've got such a good friendship with her now and I always looked forward to her coming round and helping me talk about issues I couldn't talk to anyone else about. But (un)fortunately I've reached my goal weight and it's remaining stable therefore she is no longer required :( Plus there are many girls desperately in need of her help and I'd just be taking up appointments. I still have a lot of body issues, I do not see myself as fully recovered but it's a start. And I am proud I am maintaining a semi-healthy weight. I just hope i can keep it up and try to help others who felt/feel like I do/did.

M is still very supportive. I told him about my DID (my alters) and considering he'd never heard of the condition he took it really well, he said, "I just hope all the Hannahs love me as much as I love them"

It's going to be hard next week because M's starting a new job, working random shifts in a warehouse, I've been phoning him a lot when I've felt down and he's come over to comfort me, I won't be able to do that this time and I hope i can manage.

But I'm trying to be strong and positive today.

How many alters does it take to change a light bulb?

2010-09-09T14:37:00.000-07:00

As many as will: one to change the bulb, one to change it back, three to argue over whether they want it light or dark, one to throw the light bulb against the wall to hear it crash, one to clean up the mess, four to go shopping for new bulbs and come home with stocking, licorice, Disney movies, popcorn and masking tape, one who insists it "IS" the light bulb and doesn't understand why everyone always wants it to change and can't it just be itself etc....

This is so true.

The Aftermath.

2010-09-05T06:08:00.000-07:00

*possibly triggering- read with caution guys!*

There is this feeling/state of mind I get into quite a lot, I call it 'The Aftermath'. It can happen suddenly or gradual but it's the the exact same feelings/thoughts/pain I get when I have just been raped.
'The Aftermath' always feels like I have been raped, there and then, even though nobody has touched me.
The Aftermath is like this:
I shake and try not to cry. I feel ugly and used. I jump at any sort of noises. I hate to be touched. My insides and my legs hurt like they've been wrenched from me. I feel like a slut. It's also a helpless feeling, like no matter what you do you can't change anything. This is always when I am at my most suicidal.

Relatives try to comfort me from my trauma by saying 'Don't worry they won't hurt you again' But in reality they have never stopped killing me...

Hang on

2010-08-31T15:11:00.000-07:00

This song is beautiful. If only i could feel like I CAN hang on right now, I don't feel it.

2010-08-30T02:47:00.000-07:00

I am ill :(
bad bad cold. I hate being ill, it means I feel worse than I already do.
On the up side to celebrate our 6 month aniversary M and I are going to the seaside for a weekend! :D really hope I am well enough!!!!

Losing myself...

2010-08-25T13:48:00.000-07:00

I wish I could just shut off my mind. It's too full. Full of memories, new memories, old ones. Full of people. Too many people shouting at me all at once. I need to scream. I need to CUT. But I promised, oh god I promised.

I feel horrible. Like I'm infected. I can't get clean... I scrub, scrub, scrub. I don't want to suffer! I've suffered enough! But I don't know any other way!!!

Here's how it goes...

2010-08-24T04:05:00.000-07:00

The sun is shining through my window. I wake up fairly early, but I feel well rested. Get out of bed, put on my Elks t-shirt and jeans, feeling good. M's got a day off work, there's a local festival on, we're ready to have fun!
I get to M's door, I have to wait ages because he's not out of bed as early as I am (I end up hollarin' to his open window).
All is good, a few affections shared in his bed :P and then we hit the road.
M is in the car, he says worriedly, "I think [number 3] may be there"
"uh-huh" I try not to show how much this bothers me.
"Don't worry, I'm here, I won't leave your side and if he tries anything we'll get him kicked out" M reassures me.
I'm somewhat less nervous now that is mentioned.

The festival starts, it's very very local, basically most people are from my school. It was hosted by my friend C, his mum died last year and he's hosting this charity festival to raise money for cancer research. We get there and it's so hot... M is saying hello to everyone (he's very sociable whereas I'm always shy...)
I take in the surroundings, we're in a big field people are sitting on the grass in little groups all facing the stage. D's band are playing, they do a good cover of 'Stacey's Mom' and everyone dances.
I see my cousin J is here, I run over to him and we talk for ages and he's shocked to find I smoke.
Then of course, as I suspected Number 3 is in the crowd. He doesn't notice me. I was somewhat prepared to seeing him so I put up all my emotional defenses, determined to have a good time.
I'm not about to let some dick ruin my day.
M sees him and walks over to me, I grip his hand as if the harder I squeeze all my fears will disintegrate. He kisses my neck and whispers, "Don't worry he won't do anything"
But I'm more worried about flashbacking than him doing anything in the present.

I stay as far away from him as possible. He has his 'saint' front up, he's playing football with two little boys, 3 and 6 yrs, he's litter-picking! I don't fucking believe this! I think to myself, How can he be so normal? I'm angry.

Festival ends. M is looking for his friend A who said he needed a lift home. Someone says A has started walking to another party. We get in M's car and start driving, we see two figures walking by the road, a tall one who is obviously A and a shorter one with his hood up. M (who hasn't see A for a while) stops the car, runs out to greet his mate. BIG MISTAKE. M offers A a lift to the motorway, before he sees the hooded guy is Number 3.
M leans accross his seat to face me.
"What do you think?"
What do I think??? I think that Cunt needs to be fucking dead! My head screams.
"You can't offer A a ride and not N3" I whisper, "I'll be okay"
Sammie is screaming in my head, "NO you fucking won't be okay! Let me smash his face in! Shut the door on him! Fucking do SOMETHING!"
I ignore her screams and focus on the road.
A and Number 3 sit in the back, I can feel Number 3's piercing eyes.

I want to tear my skin off my body.

Number 3 talks to M completely normally about work and the festival, M doesn't say much back.
M drops them both off. N3 walks in front of the car. M revs the car and shoots it forward, narrowly missing him. M mutters "Cunt" then hits his car horn with his fist. Number 3 turns around to look at us. M speeds off. I can tell he's angry at himself.
I'm quiet for the rest of the journey. We get to my house and I breakdown.
"I'm so sorry" M says, "It's all my fault"
"No it's his fucking fault" I say.
M comes in. He sits with me on my bed as I cry and cry. He comforts me. I bury my face into his chest. M stays with me until I fall asleep, then he slips out my house. He still feels guilty.
I don't blame M at all though, not at all.

2010-08-19T08:46:00.001-07:00

I'll let you know what happened later.

days like this i don't know what to do with myself....

2010-08-19T08:31:00.000-07:00

2010-08-18T13:09:00.001-07:00

I think of conversations I will have with you... but they never arise. I wish I could put into words every strange thought that fleets through my mind. I wish we had more time to open up...

2010-08-16T13:11:00.001-07:00

I scream but no sound comes out.

2010-08-15T13:59:00.000-07:00

My twloha hoodie came today... finally!(I ordered it in April)
I like knowing I'm supporting something that means a lot to me.

I don't have much else to say...

2010-08-15T13:55:00.000-07:00

2010-08-13T07:24:00.000-07:00

Blanket of fear

2010-08-13T07:18:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I stand in a crowd and think I am completely naked. I mean I can feel my clothes but I can also feel my skin and some strange fear leads me to believe my skin is seeping through my clothes and everyone can see. Everyone is looking at me. I can see their heads turned away but my mind imagines piercing eyes all over me. This normally always happens when I go to a gig. I watch the band play, isolate myself in a bubble, watch the guitar strings, the drum sticks, I take in the noise. But music seems to have a habit of stripping me of everything, all my sheilds drop, and then that happens, I think I'm naked in a crowd.
On a good day I ignore it, continue to listen to the music, my friends and listen to my voice of reason reassuring me my clothes are on. But on a bad day I get claustrophobic, scared, anxious and all sorts. I have to remove myself from the situation, sit outside and give myself a break. Sitting outside always works because it's usually cold meaning I have to pull my clothes tightly to keep warm, feeling the material lets me know it's all in my head.
I'm not overly self concious of my body in front of M (when we're alone anyway) he always compliments my body which I like. I'm self concious with others, one main reason is I think someone might be attracted to me, (this is not in a 'I'm so beautiful everybody love me' thought) because I'm a girl and I have 'parts' men want. So basically I'm fearful my body makes me a target to men. So I hate any guy messing around and casually touching my waist or something, I seize up. Which everyone loved to remind me in school by spreading around the class that I was fridgid. I did care that's what people thought of me but also slightly relieved that guys wouldn't bother trying to pull me cause of the stories they'd heard:
"I heard Tommy got with Hannah at a party and she wouldn't even get on the bed!"

I'm beginning to realise my eating disorder was/is fuelled by the fact I want to 'disappear'. The idea is the smaller I am the more insignificant I am, the more I fade into the background and avoid unwanted attention... even 'scary skinny' attracted me, believing if I lost all my feminimity and looked like someone out of Auchwitz I'd not be attractive meaning... no one could hurt me sexually.
This was all ontop of my 'ana' voice telling me I'd never be happy/sucessful unless I was 4st7.

I describe my fashion sense as 'Tomboy Chic' I am forever wearing guys clothes, it's a comfort... they're nice and baggy not to mention they have t-shirts with Marvel characters on them. But I can be quite girly at times, I wear dresses (not as often as I'd like) and skinny-fit girls tees. M likes my style, hell he even buys me guys tees himself and lends me his but I know he loves it when I wear a dress. I'm of course always going to keep my style, I don't change it for anyone but I think even I would like to look a bit more sexy. So tomorrow M and I are going to Camden to find some dresses that aren't overly pink and floaty, I'm still scared about exposing more flesh than I'm used to but it's a step I'm desperate to take. I'm crazy about fashion and I don't want a stupid fear to determine what I can and cannot wear.
If I buy anything I'll take pics and put them up on here.

A new start

2010-08-11T09:52:00.000-07:00

"It's my bed now" He said stretching his whole body so it filled up the matteress.
"Fine I'll sleep on the floor" I huffed but I was still smiling.
"Noooo!" M grabs me by my waist and pulls me back so I am lying on top of him.
We kiss. I can feel his mouth pushing harder against mine, his hands rubbing up and down my back. They stop at my wrists. He is holding my wrists. Whilst kissing he manages to end up ontop of me, hands outstretched holding my arms down. Innocent play fighting to him.

A whole other experience for me.

First I can feel my throat tighten and that knotting feeling in your stomach. My body is screaming for me to kick him off and fight. But at the same time I want him there. It's M. M won't hurt me. You're so stupid Hannah! I say to myself. I gaze into M's big blue eyes, he's smiling, he whispers he loves me so much. But it doesn't take away the flashback.

Raped. Arms red from his grip. He's pushing on me. He's crushing me. I scream, kick, tears run down my face. No use he's too strong for me...stupid little anorexic girl, I am weak.

I cry a little. M lets go. "I'm sorry" He whispers, "I'm hurting you" He jumps off me. I can breathe.
"It's not you. It was a flashback" I say.
M wraps his arms around me. so tightly. But a very safe kind of tight. I don't feel afraid anymore. He kisses my forehead like he always does when I tell him about the past. He tells me how proud he is of me. I tell him I'm trying so hard not to cut.
"I know" He says, pushing the hair away from my eyes. "I have something for you...it's in my car"
He gets up, puts on his shirt and heads out of my room.
I lie in the middle of my bed, breathing in and out. I feel relaxed now. I feel like if M were holding my arms down now I'd be fine with it. I want him to be on me. I hear the door open and M is back holding a bag. "For you" He grins.
I open it and it's spilling with two Marvel Superhero hoodies. I nearly cry. "Oh. My. God!" I am crying and smiling at the same time. They are a mens size (they never do nice superhero-themed clothes for girls) big and baggy. "I got you a medium size for one because I thought it'd look cute a bit big" M smiles. I wrap myself in one, it's blue with grey sleeves, red cuffs and a lining spilling with CRASH! BANG! POW! and loads of Marvel heros! I instantly feel calm wrapped in the fleece, it's so big and comfy I can hug M and wrap it round him as well. Safe in a little bubble. Safe with M.

"I want to be your new start" M said out of the blue. We were outside smoking on the driveway.
"But you are my new start!" I say smiling, "This is the first time I've felt loved for who I am and not used"
"I'm glad" M hugged me tighter, "When I save up for a flat, I want you to live with me and we can leave this town..."

2010-08-09T09:08:00.001-07:00

My favourite thing to do at the moment is sit outside my house with a B and H Silver, smoke it to the label and look up at the sky...

Grown.

2010-08-09T05:14:00.000-07:00

I get dizzy a lot these days. I think it's life moving on and on and on, very fast, very sudden. I remember things a lot more these days.
I remember being kicked.
'Don't use your teeth you stupid bitch!' thud!
'Keep still slut!' smack!
'You are bad!' slap!
I can remember the violence but I'm completely shut off from it. When I think of the rape I can feel everything, all the pain, all the torment, his touch, smell, taste. But the hitting and the kicking? It's like watching a movie where I know it's me being hurt but I can't feel it at all. I can just see. I can see my head being slammed against the cubicle. I can see him tie his belt tight around my arms. I can't feel it. Vacant. Emotionless.

I talk a lot to M about my feelings, thoughts, fears, everything. There is so much difference between sex when you consent and sex when you dont. I can sleep with M and I feel in the moment, no worries of the past, no fears for the future. No pain. I may come accross to him as a bit of a sexaholic, but sex is a healing thing for me, I can, for the first time in my entire life understand that sex is an expression of love and it is very very powerful, but in a positive, caring way. I can shut away my past when I am with M, my love for him overcomes the pain of my abuse.

Listen to Grown by The MacCabees.

Believe. Become. Behold.

2010-08-02T13:41:00.000-07:00

I went to Sonisphere festival this weekend. My first festival, M's 4th! He showed me the ropes.
I'm pretty pleased with myself, for someone who hates public toilets and needs to feel clean, I made it. To get it out the way, yes the portaloos were fucking disgusting but it's not the dirt that gets to me it's the confined space... the lack of privacy. M was great, making sure i had everything i needed and more :)
My fear of toilets is all down to Number 2. I can't ever erase the memory of trying to hold the broken lock in place in the cubicle with him towering over me.

Saturday night I did freak out a bit, people, big crowds, I often feel overwhelmed. I feel vulnerable. Feel like people can see right through into my past. They know. They will take advantage. M was like armor... arms covering me, he protects me so much, but not too much. I am beginning to realize there is no way I could have managed this or other things I've done over these last few months.

It's been....

<3.....6 Months.....<3

wow.

Anyway, I met some real great people at this festival... we sat outside our tents all night, sharing our stories.... some sad, some funny, some just plain random! But I felt like I didn't need to hide anymore. I instantly felt a community, a trust in people I'd never met before! and 70% of them were guys, they were so understanding, positive and sensitive. And they listened.

Just the art of sharing love and pain lets us understand we really are not as alone as we think we are.

I cried going home. We shared a group hug, we're going to look for each other on facebook.

It made me think gatherings like this need to be done again, just connecting, socializing, being open.... no more lies. If i had influence I'd love to set up a organization reminding people...

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

PEOPLE CARE, EVEN STRANGERS.

There is hope for this world yet... :)

peace everyone! I share all my love! xx

2010-07-27T09:21:00.000-07:00

"Homie I know I’m, never gonna be the same with you
I woulda never came in this game, I’m going insane without you
Matter of fact it was just the other night, had another dream about you
You told me to get up, I got up and spread my wings and I flew
You gave me a reason to fight, I was on my way to see you
You told me nah Doody you’re not layin’ on that table I knew
I was gonna make it...."

Sitting alone. Flashback. I WANT TO CUT. I NEED TO CUT.
dialing.......M.........
M: heya
Me: hey *sniffing, trying to pull myself together*
M: What's happened?
Me: I don't know.... I just.... *Too many tears to contain*
M: Hang on, I'm coming over.
call ended.
He hugs the pain away, wiping my tears. Making me smile even. We lie together for about an hour, M's t-shirt gets rather soggy from my tears.
Next thing I know it's not me crying.... it's him!
I've never seen him cry before, it was a shock.
Me: no, noo more waterworks! *wipes his tears like he did to me*
M: I just hurt when you hurt.
Me: I'm sorry... I don't want you to feel my pain.
M: If you have anything sharp here i want you to give it to me.
Me: I don't have anything.
M: best to tell me now...you sure?
Me: *I climb over to my secret hiding place- take the razor and place it in his hand* I couldn't throw it away... it's the last one.
M: *trying to hold it without cutting his fingers* Thank you.
Me: No... thank you..
M: think you can sleep now?
Me: I'll try.
M: If you need anything im here ok?
Me: yeah... don't cry no more... I love you...

Tattoos

2010-07-20T09:04:00.001-07:00

I'm afraid I am a tattoo person, I think nice neat ones are sexy. Not tramp stamps, not horrible dragons or tigers on peoples backs, but meaningful ones. I've been thinking for ages about what tattoos I'd like. I don't want to get one until I am absolutely sure it's what I want so I'm going to wait at least until I'm in my 20s.

Here's what I'd like inked:

An anchor like this on my left side, just below my collar bone. It is a symbol of hope and that's a very important factor in my life, i've lived off hope. I think it would look cool with a chain wrapped round it.

There is no denying it. Comics saved my life, they took me into a world of justice, the good guys always win, the bad guys suffer. I never ever wanted to be a princess when I was little, I always said Batman! I used to go to preschool dressed as Batman until the staff told me the mask was scaring the other children. When I got a little bit older a boy told me I couldn't be Batman because I was a girl. That was my first school fight, I punched him. So this symbol means everything to me. It means to me that you can be whatever you want to be if you put your mind to it, and don't ever let anyone change that.

But the symbol of the bat, without associating it with Batman means: Going in touch with our inner demons and journeying. These are two things i also strongly believe in.

I wouldn't put this tattoo on my foot, I'd put it on my stomach, just near my belly-button and just above the waist of my jeans so it peeks out.

A White Shark. I've always loved Sharks, they're misunderstood, beautiful, elegant creatures. 100 million sharks are killed by humans every year. That saddens me because they are so vital to our ecosystem.

So just purely because they're my favorite animal I wanted a shark tattoo but coincidently I looked up 'shark tattoo meaning' and I found it means survivor. Being a survivor means everything to me, it's how i push on, I have flashbacks and fears of abuse everyday but I can proudly say I am a survivor. I'd love to have a shark tattoo on my ankle, just a black sillouhette of a white shark, nothing big and fancy.

Another tattoo I'd love to have is the TWLOHA 'rescue is possible' written on my wrist to remind me Self harm isn't always the option.

Slow life

2010-07-14T11:13:00.000-07:00

My throat hurts.

I've woken up from my daze and now the memory of the purge has burned me. I regret it. All my hard work. Thrown away.

But that was yesterday. Someone has just shown me a day makes a lot of difference. So I'm picking myself up again.

M text me, he's in a bad mood "nothings going right" he said. I've got a surprise for him... Ribena, Kit-Kat and his favorite banana sweets.I'm in a mood to make him smile and look after him just as much as he has done for me :)

So now I'm listening to Grizzly Bear, feeling relaxed. My mood (which guaranteed will change within the next hour) is positive, I see a chance to heal.

Sarah

2010-07-14T03:29:00.000-07:00

Opening up is the best thing you can do.

I am still small. Weak and unstable. I am still vulnerable. I am still hurting. But I know one thing... I want to stand by you. Now you have found a voice I no longer feel so helpless, I know I can support you but not have to carry the whole burden.

Things still feel on thin ice, maybe that's just me, but I want it to get better.

It's like that eminem line:

Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems

Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano

Now we can finally heal together.

I never want to hurt you but I seem to manage it anyway :(

You are an amazing person, so talented, so strong. I pulled away because I was terrified of losing you. I had my own problems to face. I am sorry.

Now I know I can hold your hand through this. <3

2010-07-13T11:28:00.000-07:00

She was once so beautiful. She was once so pure.

Til the devil caught her soul.

And there was no cure.

What's next

2010-07-13T07:23:00.000-07:00

I did purge. I had to use a toothbrush, my gag reflexes have turned back to that of a "normal" person so I can't just bend over and spew. I only half purged. I managed to bring up half of what I ate in the binge. That made me feel very unsatisfied. I cut to even it out.
My throat feels like a lump of wood has been shoved down it.

Your words did hurt me. I don't want to call you because I don't want to feel responsible anymore. I am not your therapist, you have one of those. Use her. She is trained, she can do stuff about things. Me? I'm SICK. I'm miles away. I'm trying to sew myself together by my thread keeps getting tangled in yours, so while I untangle it I'm slowly bleeding to death.

I can't do this.

Purge..............

2010-07-13T04:53:00.000-07:00

It's going to happen. Now. I don't want attention. I don't want you to stop me. Leave me where i am.

Therapy is bullshit.

2010-07-08T13:51:00.000-07:00

You will never know. So stop trying...
Stop "assuming"
Stop it.
I hate this. This room sucks. It's too confined. And the way you both stare at me like an animal and discuss what is supposedly "wrong" with me.

And the others.
The fucking others. In my head. SHUT UP.

Truck!
   Stop it I'm concerntrating.
Can I come out?
   No.

GO AND PUNCH YOUR FIST THROUGH THE GLASS! IT'LL BE FUN!
   No.
WHAT ABOUT THE CHAIR? THROW IT OUT THE WINDOW! DESTROY STUFF! I'LL DO IT MYSELF!
No.No.No. Noooooooooo!
FUCK OFF!

I am filled with headaches now. The screams are too intense. Waaaay too intense. And Isaac showing me pictures of the abuse. It's too much.

SO STOP ASSUMING YOU KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT ME. YOU DON'T. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW I FEEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

now if you'll excuse me I'm going to find some way of shutting these guys up...

SPEAK.

2010-07-07T13:14:00.000-07:00

I find myself thinking about you a lot. My mind wanders. I remember you walking me to the spot where you first touched me. You kissed me, said you loved me so I felt wanted and obliged at the same time to let you violate me. You said things like "You are beautiful" I believed you. You are pulling down my trousers. My underwear. I am frozen.
Thinking to myself, "No, this is too fast, wait! what are you doing?" My tongue is too swollen to speak.
You finish.
You walk me to my house.
I cry myself to sleep.
I wake up.
Confused. Very confused.
"My fears are stupid, he likes me really, he just wants to show affection, I can tell him next time to slow down. Just straighten things out."
We walk again.
I told you I don't want things to move too fast, that I don't really know you. You said "It's not too fast, I love you so much"
You force me to the ground. In silence. I freeze my limbs. You touch me. You touch yourself in front of me, when you finish you touch me with your wet hand.

Is that really love?

A few days later you raped me.

Watch the movie 'Speak' with Kristen Stewart, I can relate so much to that film.

between sheets.

2010-07-05T11:59:00.000-07:00

It's funny how I find myself, in love with you.

Lying in my bed. M's arms are wrapped tightly around me. He's asleep, I can hear his breathing, in and out, in and out, in a nice steady pace. My head is stuck to the pillow. My duvet is swallowing us both. It's nice to have a lazy Sunday with the one you love but I can't relax, something's preventing me.
It's like I can feel a flashback creeping up on me. The tightness in my stomach. The non-feeling of my surroundings. I start my weird shaking I normally do. Isaac is screaming in my head.

Flashing back to when He tried to pin me down in the field. He's on top of me. Ripping off my shirt. I'm screaming. I'm screaming 'stop!'. "But I love you" he says, "I need you"
Those words. Those powerful words. I go limp in his arms. Disconnected. He rapes me. I feel................... nothing.

"Hannah!" M is shaking me. I turn to him. I'm still terrified. I leap about ten feet off the bed and sit in a corner. I feel slutty in my underwear not to mention cold without the covers. M crouches to my level. He kisses my forehead, "You're safe now, no one's going to hurt you now, I won't let them" He hugs me tight. I'm too shaken up to answer him but he doesn't seem to mind.
"Think of our wonderful evening together"
You're right M, it was wonderful........ <3

damaged by plumb

2010-07-03T13:34:00.000-07:00

Dreaming comes so easily
'Cause it's all that I've ever know
True love is a fairy tale
I'm damaged, so how would I know

I'm scared and I'm alone
I'm ashamed
And I need for you to know

I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've
taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me

I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've
taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me

Healing comes so painfully
And it chills to the bone
Will anyone get close to me?
I'm damaged, as I'm sure you know

There's mending for my soul
An ending to this fear
Forgiveness for a man who was stronger
I was just a little girl, but I can't go back

^
It hurts to read those words, Listen to that song. It makes my scars want to bleed again. It makes the anger boil under my skin. Makes my eyes want to fill with tears. It makes me scared, not just for myself but for some poor kid out there being raped or abused at the exact same time i'm reading these words....................................................................................................

Open Fire (I'm on my knees for you)

2010-07-01T10:01:00.000-07:00

Okay so school is over. I've decided I don't want to go back next year. I'm going to try and find a college to suit my needs. I'm just so sick of conforming to school's dead curriculum, it's sucking the life out of my creativity. Feeling so confined.

On another note, MPD. I have three alters, Alice, Isaac and Sammie. Sammie's only just made herself known to me again. But now she's back it seems there's a really strange balance in me now. Alice is no longer raging one minute then crazily calm the next. She's stable, the true dreamer she is again. Isaac is coming out of his shell more. He talks more to Alice and me. He draws to express his trauma, I'm trying to ask Prof X to help him with stuff without sounding off my head. And Sammie.... yeah she's off the walls, she's a sex freak, she listens to much heavier music than me but she's herself. I admire her, she speaks her mind, not afraid of the consequences but at the same time she's extremely vulnerable. That's what Alice told me anyway... we need to talk more. But having all three alters back together again I feel pieced together. Separate pieces mind but still more together than i felt before.

One more thing. I can't beat these Anorexia rituals- cutting food small, separating foods, calorie-counting. It's driving me insane! I'm a stable weight, I eat when I feel hungry now. So why won't it go away? :(

I keep thinking in bed, right tomorrow I'm going back, I'm going to starve. But thank god I wake up in the morning and most of the time feel so much more willing to fight this eating disorder.

2010-06-26T07:25:00.001-07:00

Here you are down on your knees again

trying to find air to breathe again

And only surrender will help you now

I love you please see and believe again

my day.

2010-06-25T13:36:00.000-07:00

I went to the zoo today. My mum took me, it was great, I felt like a little kid again but in a good way. My favourite part was the gorillas, they were amazing, I could have sat in there for hours just watching the way they move and interact, so like us! One put it's hand up against the glass, that made me feel sad really, that they had boundaries and they weren't free. But they were still wonderful and obviously had a nice time swinging on ropes and sitting in high tree houses.
It was really nice to just go there and forget about stuff, just watch the animals- there were so many! all so unique, I loved them all!
I'm staying over at my mum's boyfriend's house tonight. In London. He's away so it's just me and mum.
My day was good but I can't help feeling the slow waves of depression.

So much pressure these days.

M is out tonight with the police. He's doing a shift with them. He wants to be a policeman you see, he said he wanted to do it when he found out I'd been abused and raped, he wanted to try and stop these awful things. I completely support him, he'll make a great cop. He seems very keen on the idea of fighting crime and bringing justice!

memories 5

2010-06-23T09:37:00.000-07:00

Please hold me from the cold,

you mustn't let winter pour in,

I am battered and bruised,

It's not my fault, I swear!

Stop hurting me. Stop haunting me. Even flicking through an old diary gives my heart paper cuts. Cold. Crushed.

I can remember crawling away. My legs were shaking. He'd already fucked me. But I kicked him away and tried to run. I was crying. Running around the empty halls. I find Joe.

"Quick, we have to hide, he's chasing me!" I say.

Joe takes my hand. He pulls me into a little cupboard. We shut the door. Sitting in the dark.

I hold my breath. My legs were burning. My arms shaking. Joe put his hand on mine.

We hear him stomp past the cupboard. For the next two hours we sit in the cupboard. Joe tries to use a crack of light to read from. I curl up, right at the back, snuggle against the splintery wood. It was a comfort.

My mum opens the cupboard. I stare up at her.

"What are you doing in here?" She asks.

"We were playing" I say.

We walk out of the afterschool club. I cling to my mums hand. I can feel his eyes piercing into my back. I knew it could never be over.

Weak or Strong?

2010-06-21T08:04:00.000-07:00

"Promise me one thing" He whispers. We're sitting in his car. It's 11.00, I should be home by now, we're running late, but I really don't care.
"What's that?" I say. He wraps his arms tighter around me, it's hard to do because he's got his seat belt on still and he has to lean right over the gear stick.
"Don't ever change" He smiles at me. I can't resist that smile.
"I won't" I smile back. I stop looking at M. I stare at the neon space invader hanging from the mirror. I gave it to him. It's been hanging there ever since.

But in reality I'm changing. I can't help it but I am. Changing into a better or worse person? I don't know. Hopefully better.
There's a side to me I just discovered. It must have been locked away for sometime. But it's an angry side. It's horrible. Like...

Two-Face. That Batman villain. He was a trusted friend of Batman. He wanted to clean up Gotham City, he tried so hard. But it tipped him over the edge. After an attack with acid disfiguring his face he lost his sense of 'self'. There became two Harvey Dents- a good one and a bad one. But the bad one always took control.
His coin. Two faces except one defaced. His way of making decisions. Fate. Coin flip defines if you live or die.
But anyway I feel torn into two people good and bad.
The bad hasn't come out yet but I can feel it brewing under my skin. I hope I am strong enough to fight. I will fight. I've fought my whole life through pain and everything.
I've finally found someone who loves me for who I am. M. I can't blow this.

Fuck Two-Face. I'm Batman. A symbol of light and dark. Vigilante. I'm going to do things my way. I won't change. I'm not going to change, I'm going to grow. Grow into the strong person I am. Batman, traumatic events made him want to help people, it's not vengeance, he's fighting so children don't experience what he experienced.
I want to do that. I admire that.

I just want to flourish. Be who I am.

Always running out of time

2010-06-18T09:49:00.000-07:00

I'm losing time. I wake up at 11pm and realize a whole DAY has gone by and I don't remember a thing.

I have so much to say but I can't get it out fast enough for my head!!!

2010-06-14T10:52:00.000-07:00

He's back! M I mean :) Okay so he had to go straight to work this evening then he'll be going to be so I won't see him until 9.30pm tomorrow but still! He's back! I no longer feel as lost as I did. I can't wait for a hug :)

Relapse/Recovery

2010-06-14T10:30:00.000-07:00

RELAPSE
Sometimes I feel so alone,
I just don't know, feels like I been down this road before.
So lonely and cold, It's like something takes over me,
soon as I go home and close the door.
Kinda feels like Deja Vu, I wanna get away from this place I do,
but I cant and I won't say I tried but I know that's a lie cuz I don't,
and why I just don't know.....

A world so dark, a world so cold
A world where only some will go
But not return when will they learn?
Where do they go? God only knows
Stay wide awake.

Last year when Eminem's album Relapse came out, I'd relapsed myself. I found myself listening to the album over and over. Now just this month Eminem's album Recovery is coming out. I'm so excited to buy it, some of the tracks online are fantastic. What I'm getting at is these albums have been so in sync with periods of my life. Relapse. Recovery.
Recovery... that's something I'm determined to stick to. Like Relapse got me through a relapse I hope Recovery will get me through recovery :)

RECOVERY
I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road

Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)

Just a little more... aware

2010-06-13T06:21:00.000-07:00

I got my nose pierced Thursday. Here is the result, I'll post a better picture soon, I was going to take a newer one today but there is a MASSIVE spot on my lip and it's horrible, I don't want to put you through the disgust of seeing THAT lol. So I'm going to wait til that clears up and my piercing doesn't look so scabby LOL.

Getting the piercing was a lot of fun (believe it or not) I had to go into a little room where this big guy with piercings and tattoos got this funny tong thing and clamped it round my nostril! I was laughing at this point, maybe because I was nervous but he was a nice guy so I felt pretty comfortable. He sprayed some numbing spray then got this needle. I had to close my eyes at this point because I hate needles and I was scared.

But literally a second of pain (quite nice pain dare I say) then a few more seconds fiddling about fitting the ring in and it was done! Oh yeah I had to wear a goofy plaster on my nose for a few hours afterwards. That was humiliating. BUT IT WAS WORTH IT! I love my nose ring :)

M saw it Thursday night as well and he said he liked it, kissing was pretty awkward, my ring kept getting in the way and it hurt!!! But we got used to it.

Sleeping that night was an ordeal too! I am so used to sleeping on my left side but I couldn't that night or I'd knock the piercing, so I slept awkwardly on my right side.

M went back early that night, he left for Download festival at 6am on Friday!!

So this weekend I decided to go to London to see my dad, to keep my occupied without M. Me and my dad have a very turbulent relationship, it can go from 'happy families' to 'hostile and distant'. And Friday being the day after I'd seen X Man that made things worse. I was quite withdrawn I guess.

I can never talk to my dad about my feelings, something always holds me back. Ever since there was a time when I was four and I started crying because I missed my mum, He shouted in my face, he was so angry. He put me in the bedroom so I could "calm down". That only made things worse. Since that "incident" I've never talked to him about anything that's worrying me or why I'm upset about something. That's the brick wall in our relationship.

I had an okay time. I had to attend a couple of boring work events my dad had (My dad's an artist) lots of people looking in his studio to buy work and a premiere of a short film he had co-directed. To you guys that must seem exciting but to be honest I've been attending these things all my life and now I'm 17 there is no longer the excuse to fall asleep, pretend I'm a horse, Shout, Read in a corner, Run around because "I'm only little" I now have to sit up straight in these boring events and shake hands with pompous artists and art collectors. Sitting around in a gallery with fifty-somethings didn't exactly distract me from the fact M was away.

I was constantly worried at this festival he would find someone so much better than me or forget about me or just not miss me. But by Friday evening I realized with some reassuring words from Alice, that it's impossible to doubt someone you are so close you, I do trust him, I trust every word he says, so it's almost insulting to think he's with someone else. Thank god for Alice. She keeps my head straight!

Saturday I was even more reassured when i got a call from M, it was a brief two-second call because signal was awful, he said he missed me loads, he was having a great time but couldn't wait to see me again.

So I could enjoy Saturday worry-free, he hadn't got so drunk he'd walked infront of a car or all the other worst-case scenarios I'd compiled in my mind that Friday night. I am a worrier. I worry all the time. I'm so insecure!!!

That's why Alice is so useful.

So today I'm back from London and I'm so tired. I can't wait to get into my bed tonight and sleep! Tomorrow I'm going to occupy myself in the morning by going to band rehearsal, painting my art, playing my ukulele. Then M comes home Monday evening, I doubt I'll get to see him, he'll probably be exhausted! But a phone call will keep me happy :)

Oh god i've written loads!!!

By the way the person who sent that Postsecret- "Jane Austen is better than sex" is clearly lacking in the bedroom! No offence to Austen, she's a good read but better than sex? hmmm.... lol! just thought I'd add that.

2010-06-06T10:56:00.001-07:00

“I wonder if any of them can tell from just looking at me that all I am is the sum total of my pain, a raw woundedness so extreme that it might be terminal. It might be terminal velocity, the speed of the sound of a girl falling down to a place from where she can't be retrieved. What if I am stuck down here for good?” -ELIZABETH WURTZEL

2010-06-04T11:41:00.000-07:00

Don't settle for something poor, something average.... you're worth the extraordinary!

How I feel today... in words, pictures...

2010-06-01T15:31:00.000-07:00

I have a lot on my mind.

All crumpled in my head.

An untidy draw that will not shut.

It keeps swinging open and I don't want to look but I have to.

FLASH.

BLACK.

WHITE.

I AM AWAKE.

My mind pounds. If I could empty my head I would.

Clear my brain and my soul.

But there's too much.

Too much to fathom.

I. Can't.

So many MEMORIES

So many TIMES

So much PAIN

So many LIES

So much FEAR

So much DOUBT

So many TEARS

I CAN'T FACE THEM ALL.

I've lived like this long enough.

I can't endure no more.

Your stare will haunt me forever.

There is no cure.

I can't bear this guilt.

So I am letting go.

Holding onto my hope.

Killing your power.

Forever I was broken.

Lost in your maze.

But I am breaking

free.............................just watch me.

I used to hate sex. Despise it. It was dirty and wrong. But this is different.

I LOVE YOU.

I WANT YOU.

I NEED YOU.

You make me safe and comfortable. You address my needs not just your own. This is new. I don't feel degraded. I feel ALIVE.

One day you have to wake up and realize. Hey, I am worth it.

I am a good person.

I am brave.

I have seen more than I should.

I am proud of me.

I passed the test.

I no longer hate me. I respect me.

If only I could put these words into practise :'(

I miss you Nana.

I want so much to talk to you.

I want to write. I want to hug you.

Why did you go?

I was too young, I needed you still :(

I love you.

I'm not angry.

Watch over me.

Please.

Scars are tattoos with better stories

2010-06-01T06:16:00.001-07:00

i wont let you hurt me again.

Cycle of hatred

2010-05-28T14:06:00.000-07:00

TuesdayM: Is it okay if I go to the pub with R?
(R has just come back from Uni, he is M's best friend)
Me: That's fine! you don't have to ask for permission! Have fun!
Me*thinking* No it's not okay :( I need a hug, I'm so lost right now. I need a protector. I need you. I wish I could tell you how sad I really feel when you're not around.

I can't draw at the moment. I can't draw superheroes like I normally do. It's like a mental blockage. I can't express myself, then my head gets filled with pain and I want to scream. I want to draw! But whatever I draw turns to scribble, scribble turns to tear, tear turns to shreds and shreds turn to bin. I'm in a mean cycle. I sit on the floor crying, then bed, then bathroom, I stare at razors, I want pain. But I can't. So I put it down. Cry myself to sleep and wake up for the same old scenario.

Thank Yous

2010-05-27T11:40:00.000-07:00

Sarah- Thank you for being so honest in your blog, it makes me honest with myself. I believe in you, you are so strong. I love you :)
Shady- Your blog has the power to make me laugh, cry and see such a beautiful, talented girl, Thank you. You are pretty amazing :) don't ever let anyone say you're not! And stay all hippie and rave, I love it ^_^
Tonjia- Thank you for making me see life is possible after abuse, it makes us stronger and we must fight for our lives back from those who stole it. You are truly inspirational.
Camille- Thank you for your comments over the years, I've been looking back at my old posts and you have shown so much support. I think we are pretty alike, both share a love for Paramore! so, thank you for being there... :)
Eve- We've only just met on Facebook but already I can see how strong you are. Please keep fighting your eating disorder with all you've got, I can tell we're going to be good friends! I want so much to see you in recovery :)

and finally Thank you to all my followers and everyone I follow, each one of you are amazing! Whatever your situation I see wonderful people here :) Thank you for supporting me always and just knowing you're listening is great :)

THANK YOU!

Memories 4

2010-05-21T03:57:00.000-07:00

I saw X-man yesterday. I spent a majority of the time crying and not telling him why. He sat there writing notes. Asking me if it could be this, or this or this thing making me cry. I said I could never tell him. Never. He nodded and continued to write.
I was thinking about something that I hadn't thought about in a while. probably over 6 years. I'd blanked it out. But it came back. Suddenly, overwhelmingly.

A belt. Placed around my wrist. Tying me to the wooden frame of coat hooks. Stuck. For an hour or so while he tortures me with his mind.
"You're a good little whore"
"You have to be nice and quiet for me"
I am quiet. My mouth is clamped shut as his hands are all over me. I can't even cry out. I can't struggle, the belt cuts into my hand. I am prisoner.

Mum. I'm thinking about my mum. I'm thinking if I scream he'll go kill my mum. I'm thinking I don't want my mum to die. I must endure this. I don't want my mum to die.

He noticed the time. Untied my arm. Let me walk out, my underwear twisted, my skirt all creased. And I still wonder, why did no one notice?

Take a stand.

2010-05-19T04:20:00.000-07:00

How can I go on? When people are dying, dying from a disease we can help?

How can I climb out? When people are still trapped and stuck?

How can I live? When others die?

I took a look in one of my old diaries. What I saw made me SICK. Nothing tastes as good as Thin feels.

NO.

Pictures, dead, lifeless girls. Why did I aspire to that?

I just want to be beautiful.

I want to be worth something.

I think of all the hours I spent on pro-ana websites, thinking how much more weight I could LOSE. All the "encouraging" things people said. Now I realise................... Ana is not a "buddy" you can't have an ANABUDDY.

YOU ARE KILLING EACH OTHER.

I want to scream.

PEOPLE ARE DYING. DYING FROM MEDIA. FROM "CONFORMING" TO TODAY'S IDEA OF BEAUTY.

What happened to taking a stand? Even women treat other women like object now. Like perfect little beings, like sculptures, NOT PEOPLE.

WHAT HAPPENED TO US?

Society is falling apart with every pound you shed.

Every model you aspire to.

I look at my old diary and see someone BRAINWASHED by these sick websites and ideas and mantras. Then I think... I got out. I was saved...

But what about the others? The ones I left behind. 20% will DIE.

How can I save you?

I know I was wrong

2010-05-19T03:57:00.000-07:00

2010-05-18T14:34:00.001-07:00

I don't have any words.

2010-05-15T12:23:00.000-07:00

My mind worries too much. I think of too many worst-case-senarios. I need you to text 24/7 or I'll think you've died or something.

Look at me.

2010-05-11T11:39:00.000-07:00

I spoke. I did it. Open your mouth.
Say 'aaaaah...!' Easy. Peasy.
"HEDIDTHISTOMELASTSEPTEMBERHEWORKSWITHYOUHEBREATHESDOWNMYNECKANDICOULDNOTPRESSCHARGESBECAUSEIWASSCARED"
There. That wasn't so bad was it?
Now for the reaction.............................................................

"I'm happier now for knowing...Just don't cut yourself...Cause if I find out who he is, he is to blame for you doing it, so i'll see he gets his dose of pain!!! I love you loads...Please don't hurt yourself...It upsets me too!"

Okay. I am letting go. Now.

1, 2, 3....... It's gone. I dropped it. I dropped him.
Piece of shit that he is. I don't care. I'm going to live my life. I'm going to be happy. I have M, I have my family, I have everyone on this blog. He can go fuck himself if he thinks I'm going to spend another day fearing the past.

Damn you, for keeping quiet.

2010-05-09T14:03:00.000-07:00

I had a choice. To go, or not to go. Pretty simple. It was a party, my mum's work colleague. I was invited too, I felt compelled to go because this friend of my mums has been so understanding about my depression and very supportive when my mum needs time off to look after me.
I couldn't stay the whole night, I mean 200 people in a big hall, a majority women in their forties gossiping. I couldn't hack that so I asked M if he could pick me up early. It was a plan.

So I dolled myself up, put on a nice strapless dress. Put on mascara, eyeliner, eyeshadow. I actually felt pretty. I left the house, got in the car with my mum and her boyfriend and we drove off.

We got there. Balloons everywhere, a DJ and lots and lots of people i didn't know. My mum introduced me to people, I said happy birthday to her friend. I had a glass of wine.

THEN BAM!

Our eyes meet.
You're haunting me.
Why are you always here.
You're my shadow.
I can't go anywhere without you breathing down my fucking neck!
Number 3.
something i was not expecting at all, I mean it wasn't even a party for my age group. Why was he there? I didn't even want to know. He smiled cunningly at me. I breathed in and out, in and out. Not working.
My breath stopped for a good five minutes. I ran out the hall.

I kept running. to the place where M was going to pick me up. I was 30 minutes early. I had a panic attack. In the rain. Freezing in my dress.
M arrived. He opened the door for me. I was trying not to let him see I was crying.
I couldn't explain to him the full story, I was too upset.
He hugged me for a long time. Squeezed my hand all the way on the drive home.

I want to tell M. I want to tell him so much that i can't bear to be around this guy, for what he's done. But.... like so many of my friends M knows Number 3. They work in the same shop. Number 3 has already beaten the shit out of one of my ex's, I don't want that to happen with M. As much as I know M would want to fuck him up, Number 3 is strong, not to be messed with, he's bottled someone before.

Anyway, I don't think he'll hurt me, Number 3 i mean, he's got too much at stake. But that won't stop him apearing in my life. That won't stop the flashbacks, the panic, the fear, the overwhelming sadness. I have to find a way. I will.

Fake Sound of Progress

2010-05-05T04:09:00.000-07:00

I won't cut. I will not cut. I won't. I won't. I refuse.

Shut up! Stop Ana! I don't want you controlling me anymore! Fuck off! Get your hands off me! I broke free before, I can do it again! Ana... why do you do this?
You fucking bitch.

Taking a hold of me. You kill me with your words.
SHUT UP.

It's all a lie. A lie. A lie. Everything you show me is a lie. Everything I see is a lie. I won't believe you.

"Don't eat a thing. You'll feel better. Don't eat a thing. You fat whore. You can survive without food. Ana makes girls pretty."
BULLSHIT!
Ana is a sick and twisted mind. She wants to kill you. Give in to Ana and you give in to the darkness....

My own portrayal of Anorexia.

2010-05-04T07:28:00.000-07:00

Exam tomorrow. Photography. I have not done the work, I spent the whole of last week painting a canvas for art and now Photography has reared it's head and I cannot take any more. I was about to knuckle down this morning except I had a flashback.

He was raping me.

This left me shaken and crying for two hours on the floor. I wanted to cut so bad but I knew it would make M upset with me and I can't stand him to be disappointed in me. I've just emerged. I've missed my appointment with my photography teacher, I basically have to do two months of photography work in an afternoon, whilst having violent flashbacks...

oh joy.

The world will never ever be the same, and you're to blame...

2010-04-27T04:03:00.000-07:00

I am a hopeless romantic.
Helpless. I am addicted. He is my addiction. I need my daily fix. M. He is my world. He keeps me strong, he looks at my arms everyday, strokes them gently and gives me strength so I don't cut. And when I'm sad I can bury my face in his chest and he can hold me tight.
Number 3 is out there.
But you know what?
I don't care. I don't care. I don't care.
I am........................................................................................................................................... happy?

I think I am. I wonder how long this high will last?

It's a long way down from here...

2010-04-23T14:53:00.000-07:00

I've got a feeling if I sung this loud enough, you'd sing it back to me.

*TRIGGER WARNING*

Walking back from school. Sun on my back. Music blaring in my ears, Paramore to be precise. I've got my school bag on one shoulder, my art folder tucked under the other. I wore leggings, grey ones, with a big t-shirt, nice summery outfit. I was walking away. Away from the crowd of people, away from G and B's messy break up, away from the football match, away from Ba's car with it's loud dubstep, away from the ramps, the swings, the smoke.
I could breathe for a moment.

a moment passed.

He turned the corner. I ran right into him. I shrieked. Pretty pathetic really, he hadn't even touched me. It was number 3. I hadn't seen him in a while. His hair was a lot longer. But his eyes were the same, the big brown orbs that stared intently at me. I had dropped my stuff. I didn't want to bend over, I didn't want to be weak, if I bent over, I'd be exposed and vulnerable. He didn't say anything. He was never one to talk much. Just do. I was literally shaking. He kept walking, i waited until he was out of sight, then i bent down to pick up my work. I carried on my way. I reached the crossing.
*FLASH*
He's got me on the bed. He's taking my clothes off. I am crying.
***
The crossing distorts like I'm tripping, but I'm not, it's just the tears welling up in my eyes. I keep going, my breathing is rapid and very strained. My legs, I can't feel my legs.
*FLASH*
He's pushed me down on the grass. He's undoing his trousers. He shoves my hand down his pants. He puts his hands all over me. He pulls down my tights, "I'm cold" I whisper... ever so softly.
***
How I'd been still walking was beyond me. Somehow my body had made it to the main street without getting me hit by a car in my coma-like state. I reached my front door. Hand shaking as I fit the key in the lock.
*FLASH*
He's forcing himself on me. I can't breathe. He hurts, it's too violent. I want to kick him off. He's too strong. I can't. I go limp. I go numb. I close my eyes and dream of butterflies instead.
***
I run upstairs, legs are robotic now, I'm on autopilot. I reach my room, slam the door and turn my room upside down. My mind races: blade, blade, blade, blade, need sharp, need to bleed, need to feel!
I find a small razor, blunt as hell but it'd do. I drag it across. Now I am shouting out, "PLEASE STOP!" I can't help it, I don't even know who I'm talking to. I'm alone in the house. I feel unsafe. I fall into my bed, clean up the blood (there isn't much) and I hug my cat, I hug her until she makes a growling noise, I don't want her to leave me. I need comfort. She needs to stay. I say it out loud, like the cat would understand me, "Don't leave me!" wow, I must really be crazy.

LATER
M is holding my arm. His hands are cold. I tell him he's stupid for leaving his coat. He shrugs. I try to keep talking. Too late. His fingers have reached the fresh, dried blood cuts, three small ones, like wolverine attacked me.
M: no *sad eyes*...why? you were doing well...
Me: I... saw someone... I didn't like...so I... *nod my head towards the injury*
M: But that's no reason to cut yourself?
Me: *Thinking: you would if you'd experienced what I have* *Shrug*
M: It makes me sad. I don't want you to do it. *strokes the cuts*
*M kisses the cuts* I thought you stopped?
Me: I have... I did... I won't do it again...
M: *squeezes my hand* You promise me?
Me: I promise.
M: Pinky promise? *holds out his pinky*
Me: *smiling* Pinky promise *we shake with our pinkies*
M: *kisses my forehead* I love you

2010-04-11T05:14:00.000-07:00

http://www.blogger.com/profile/17473076744971334678

^ If this is you can you please stop leaving porn comments on my blog, I find it very disrespectful and out of order! Have even stopped to read the content of my blog? Do you think it's appropriate? You people anger me so much, every time you comment your sick chinese porn I feel like a slut again. STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!

and i don't want a chinese bride either.

Memories 3

2010-03-31T05:30:00.000-07:00

Take me by the hand, take me somewhere new, I don't know who you are, but I... I'm with you.

*Scenes of sexual abuse. Read with caution.*

My mum worked full time. Being a single parent she needed all the work she could get to support us. I understand that. But I always felt left behind. My mum would frequently leave me with child-minders, my dad, my grandparents, even her new boyfriend. I was always terrified she would never come back.

There was one place though, at school, I was often left. It was an after-school club, 3.30pm-6.00pm, run by the council for children who's parents worked late. My mum knew I hated it there, she tried to avoid me going as best as she could but sometimes there was no other way. She thought I hated it because there was no structure, there was a broken pool table, noisy kids and coloring pens that always ran out. I hated it because he was there.

When I first came to this club, I sat on a chair in the corner of the room, there was nothing better to do. My friend Joe was with me, he was reading. I was eight years old and I could feel his stare on my face. I looked away. His staring made me uncomfortable. He worked there. There were three of them, two men (one being Him) and a woman. He always looked at me. Joe told me it was because I was new here, I needed to introduce myself, I didn't want to do that, he scared me.

The staring, the strange smiles, the wandering over to me to see what I was drawing continued for a long time, four weeks maybe.

One day the club were going ice skating, a few of us anyway, I hadn't filled in my parental consent form so I had to stay behind with a group of noisy boys who did nothing but play football and pull my hair. The man and the woman took the group skating. He stayed behind to with the boys and me.

Once the group had left the boys, once again, got involved in a violent game of football, smacking the ball around, it whizzed past my head a few times. I sat out, away from them. I didn't want to get hit with the ball.

He walked over and sat next to me. He put his hand on my knee. I was very uncomfortable. I stood up, I wanted to get away, I headed for the stairs to the toilets, I realize now that was a mistake. He followed me. We were alone together. I ran into the toilets, naively I thought He wouldn't dare to follow me into the girls toilets. I was wrong. He did follow. He followed very impatiently, calling after me. He said I was being bad, I wasn't treating him nice.

I went into a cubicle. I shut the door and tried to lock it, the damn lock was broken. He pushed on the door hard, throwing me back, he was too strong.

He grabbed my wrists. I shook away. He threw me into the toilet paper holder, my cheek started to bleed. He threw me onto the toilet seat. He me down. He pulled down my underwear. He unbuckled his trousers. He raped me.

I remember crying hard. He put his hands on my mouth. He told me I was making it worse. I lay there. I felt dead. I was limp. My mind was awake but my body had shut down. My body could not move.

When he was done he said I enjoyed it, he said I never fought so I must have enjoyed it, I was a slut.

He told me not to tell anyone. He said if I did he would kill my mum. He would kill Joe.

We went back to the main hall. I couldn't move, he practically dragged me. My legs were jelly, between my legs was sore and bloody. He had cleaned me up and put an ice pack on my face. He explained to everyone I got lost finding the toilets and fell down the stairs. All I could do was nod. They believed him. They bought it. I wanted to scream he was lying but I was so terrified his threats were true. I wanted to protect Joe, to protect my mum. Maybe I was a slut?

My grandad picked me up. He smiled at me and bought me sweets. He said I was clumsy for falling down the stairs but he laughed and said it was in the genes. We sat in the car, he put on a mixtape and we sang along, I tried to forget what had happened to me. I lost myself in the music. In my grandad. He took me to the park. He hugged me. But something felt lost, no, not lost, stolen.

And that was the beginnings of number 2.

Alice

2010-03-30T07:42:00.000-07:00

Some of you know. Some of you don't. But if I'm going to be completely honest with myself I need to tell you about Alice.
Alice is my alter.
If you don't know what an alter is look here.
I'm letting Alice formally introduce herself on her own blog Alice Underground.
But she's been with me for a long time. It's only recently that I acknowledged her existance. Not only is there Alice but there is Isaac. He is younger. Alice asked me the other day if she could write her own blog. Hopefully I'll find out things about myself I didn't know before.

Day one.

2010-03-22T08:05:00.000-07:00

This post for me is a turning point.

I want to stop.

This is a first for me. I actually want to stop self harming. So today I've decided I will stop. No more cutting. No more burning. No more picking. No more scratching. No more. I've stopped many times before but they haven't really been for ME, they've been for others who can't cope with the pain they see on my arms. But this is for me. I want to look at a cris-cross of scars on my body and say to myself, 'that was the past, this is now.'

I'm going to live for me. I'm going to live for now.

I promise.

2010-03-13T05:46:00.001-08:00

You make me feel small.

Next Stop Childhood.

2010-03-08T09:40:00.000-08:00

I've travelled for most of my life. Not travelled as in exotically traveling the world but just traveling around the city. My parents split up when I was still in the womb. I say split but they weren't even really together, they never got married, they'd been dating for about a year until my mum found out one day she was pregnant.
Once I overheard my mum saying she almost aborted me. An old friend of hers was round. I was supposed to be in bed but I sat on the stairs and heard their conversation, they talked about a lot, old lovers, kids, sex and adolescence. Anyway. Back to the pregnant part.
Mum kept me. She had me. My dad was never in the hospital. He was painting in his studio during the labour. I have a painting he did right within the hours I was born. He did come visit me in hospital though, I had complications at birth. The doctors said I'd be brain damaged. But I wasn't.
So yes, I've been traveling my whole life. Ever since birth I was carted across London to visit my dad every weekend. My mum and dad both don't drive, so it was always buses and tubes. I always got on the tube with my dad, my mum didn't like the tube so I always got the bus with her. I remember when I was younger I was always running for buses, for trains, it's how my who life was structured. Dad handing me over to mum, back and forth back and forth, the clank of ticket barriers the boards filled with 'Delayed' signs, the chug of the tube, the stale smell of the seats, the sparkly floor of the bus, the slippy yellow poles on the top deck, the red buses, the red and blue tubes, the black cabs. On and on.
By the time I was thirteen I'd travelled so much already. Mum decided we should move to Hastings. I don't really remember agreeing with her. In the end we did move, temporarily we lived in an empty house, we basically squatted there. Sleeping bags, air beds, a bag of clothes. We only intended to stay for a few weeks, in the end we stayed a whole year. I never let any friends come round, I was ashamed they'd see I lived like this. It wasn't THAT bad but for a thirteen year old, so dependent on peer's approval.
We eventually moved out and moved into a little cottage, it was nice despite the grandma decor (we were renting you see) We stayed there then moved again. All this moving never made me feel insecure. I never got to settle down. I distanced myself. I began to feel the real first, definite signs of depression sink in.

Pure

2010-03-04T12:02:00.000-08:00

I've just gone back and read my first ever post. Not only is it lame but it's sad and it's childish. I realise I've grown up so much within these three years. I started off a confused teenage girl, hooked on Thinspo, cutting and emo music. I thought I was cool to be honest, this path to self destruction wasn't completely the fault of Number 1 + 2. It was a mixture of teen angst, music and peer pressure. Honestly. These past few years I've definately learnt to be honest not only with this blog but with myself. I'm not going to defend myself, I'm done with that, this is me. Pure, real, everything nothing left out, not even my faults.

Look. Listen. Live.

2010-03-02T13:14:00.000-08:00

Look. Listen. Live. I know what you're thinking, that's off that stupid 90's advert where the hedgehogs teach you road safety. But I'm honestly being serious here guys, sometimes when life is flashing fast you need to stop.
You need to look, listen and live.
I did that. I looked. And I listened. And I lived.
Not within the mass of swarming people but outside it, outside it so i could look in. I could see people, friends, close friends, enemies, strangers, friends of friends. I listened. Looking and listening, body language and conversations. I could see former lovers, lovers, cheaters, sluts, players, broken-hearted, unlovers, the liars, the theives, the cruel, the 'un-interested' and the carefree. And as I took it all in I realised, this is life. This is how it is. How it's always going to be.

Memories 2

2010-02-28T05:11:00.000-08:00

I am five years old. I am sitting on my daddy's sofa. I say to daddy 'I want my mummy'. Daddy says to me 'no you don't want to annoy her, she's gone out, she's happy and you're with me'. I don't understand, does that mean mummy has left me for good? does it mean she has fun without me?
'I want mummy!' I cry.
I cry until I'm gulping for air, my wails getting more and more distressed. Daddy can't cope so he shouts really loud 'SHUT UP! STOP CRYING! DON'T BE SUCH A BABY!'
But I am a baby. And I want my mummy.

L O V E is just another word i never learned to pronounce.

2010-02-27T03:45:00.000-08:00

I brace myself, cause I know it's going to hurt. And I think to myself, at least things can't get any worse.

L O V E. i love you. ily. love yew. love you so much. love yooooooou.
There are many ways to say it. Every time you say it I crave more. But I cannot return this unconditional love. It's almost like you are a last resort. Desperate to be loved I take anyone hostage. Now in my grumpy state of mind i realise, I don't want this. I don't want a substitute. I don't want you. You. You tell me I'm your world. It's what i wanted. It's why I said yes. But at the same time, it's not enough. You are young. So young. You don't understand.

2010-02-26T10:53:00.000-08:00

Your hand on his arm
Haystack charm around your neck
Strung out and thin
Calling some friend, trying to cash some check
He's acting dumb
That's what you've come to expect
Needle in the hay
Needle in the hay
Needle in the hay
Needle in the hay
He's wearing your clothes
head down to toes, a reaction to you
You say you know what he did
But you idiot kid, you don't have a clue
Sometimes they just get caught in the eye, you're pulling him through
Needle in the hay
Needle in the hay
Needle in the hay
Needle in the hay
Now on the bus
Nearly touching this dirty retreat
Falling out 6th and powell, a dead sweat in my teeth
Gonna walk walk walk
Four more blocks, plus the one in my brain
Down downstairs to the man, he's gonna make it all okay
I can't beat myself
I can't beat myself
And I don't want to talk
I'm taking the cure
So I can be quiet wherever I want
So leave me alone
You ought to be proud that I'm getting good marks
Needle in the hay
Needle in the hay
Needle in the hay
Needle in the hay

2010-02-22T08:03:00.001-08:00

Lollipops turn into cigarettes. The innocent ones turn into sluts. Homework goes in the trash. Mobile phones are being used in class. Detention becomes suspension. Soda becomes vodka. Bikes become cars. Kisses turn into sex. Remember when getting high meant swinging on the playground? When protection meant wearing a helmet? When the worst things you could get from boys were cooties? Dad’s shoulders were the highest place on earth and mum was your hero? Your worst enemies were your siblings. Race issues were about who ran the fastest. War was only a card game. And the only drug you knew was cough medicine. When wearing a skirt didn’t make you a slut. The most pain you felt was when you skinned your knees, and goodbyes only meant until tomorrow? And we couldn’t wait to grow up.

2010-02-21T13:03:00.000-08:00

I'd rather be caught dead, than be weak.

I can't talk but I can talk in song lyrics.

2010-02-20T11:22:00.000-08:00

You were the first I trusted. The first I loved when we were just kids.
Was it something you did? Was it something I said?
Vanity.
Honey I've gone away. Honey I've gone away. I've gone away. No good to sing a love song. All I want is to save you honey or the strength to walk away.
You look so dumb right now. Don't tell me you're sorry cos you're not.
Bury my face in comic books, cause I don't want to look
At nothin', this world's too much. I've swallowed all I could.
If I could swallow a bottle of tylenol I would, and end it for good.
Just say goodbye to Hollywood.
I get lonely when winter calls.
Darling, give me your absence please. Don't bother leaving the light on. Don't reach for me I'm too far away. The child is gone.
Nobody's perfect, we all gotta work it.
If you'll just eat yourself.
I don't need an education. I've learnt all I know from you. They've got me on some medication. Someone get me out of here, I'm tearing at myself.
But I was not honest. I was not healthy. Yeah I was not honest, honest.
Don't stop til you get enough.
It's my time, you get me? Fucking cunts. Pick up an AK and spray.That's the mentality of kidz today. Fuck a girl and get her pregnant underage.That's the mentality of kidz today.If I see something I want, then I'll take it, girl wont give it up, then I'll rape it, break it, inpenetrate it.
Yeah he taught me how to hold my tongue.
You knew your lies would divide us but you lied anyway.
Bang bang bang on the wall, from dusk til dawn.
All I ever wanted was to see you smiling.
I put on my daily facade but then I always end up getting hurt again. I'm so afraid I'm so out of touch.
you gotta be fucking kidding me.
Burn it to the ground. That shit makes me bat-shit crazy.
Here we are, there's no where else to go.There you are, you dream of something better.
I'll let the funky music do the talking.
I wish you your best on your way eh eh.
Take me to a higher place.
Please draw the past and be true. Don't think I'm okay because I came here. Baby you've hurt me. I want to be free.
And here I am to garland you with flowers. And all my life I never felt the tremor, and all my life, that now disturbs my fingers. Feel the pull of quicksand.
The hazards of love.
I watched you leave and it was hard to breathe. I wish the truth was a lie. I hate you and love you at the same time.
I remember I was seven and feeling like I was older. Seeing things I shouldn't have and quickly became a grown up. When you're holdin, and you're dreamin' and you can't feel what you're feelin'. When you can't give, 'cause you're hurting and it seems like nothin's working.
But I'm not ever going to know, if I'm right or wrong.
Keep holding on. Keep holding on. Stay strong, no time to feel weak.
He's paying for your vodka, you're using what you got. No way, Na, it's not me. Everybody's someone.
It's been a long time coming. I wish my restlessness would open doors.
Just live your life.
This is going to sound kind of silly but the last time you kissed me, you kept both your eyes open, tell me what are we going to do when you're always looking over your shoulder? Don't let me stop you. I won't lie I don't wanna hear goodbye.
How do you do the things that you do?
This is the route I chose, watch me I'll let the truth unfold. Gimme the beat and I'm rolling.
A day rolled into one is burning on my lips. And in a parallel universe it's me you can't resist.
I just don't want to go outside.
Clowns.
Go ahead and burn it down. I am drunk and so is everyone else in this town. They won't let me turn around, to get one last look at my baby.Go ahead and build it up again.
This life is anything but certain when you close the final curtain.
Been there done that messed around, I'll never let you sweep you off my feet.

Memories 1

2010-02-19T12:31:00.000-08:00

I drift back for a few minutes, my breathing gets slower yet louder and my temples feel tighter. My eyebrows subconsciously crumple together. I bite my lip a bit too hard and draw a tiny drop of blood, the metallic taste is strangely soothing.
It's not a black-out as such, just a numbness, waving through my body, planting my legs into the ground.

I go back to my old nursery school. I can remember it quite well. There was a big carpet in the middle, with playmobil surrounding it, there was a spaceship. I used to always play with the spaceship because I watched star trek with my dad. That was my favorite corner but there was another corner, a very special corner. One day, I was only 3 or 4, I decided stubbornly I didn't want to do what the little kids were doing. So I went to this other corner where the "bigger" kids were (bigger kids being aged 5), they weren't there but the corner was perfect. It had a red carpet and book rack with all sorts books I hadn't read. It honestly felt like an Aladdin's cave. So I crawled onto the cushions. Lay my head down. It felt good to break the rules. I broke them quietly, I just slipped away and fell asleep. When they found me they weren't angry, I think they thought it was sweet I had taken myself to bed.
It was nice when I fell asleep, curled up among the books and the cushions and the red carpet, I felt really safe. The only time I think I've ever felt safe and protected.

2010-02-19T07:22:00.000-08:00

Cuz all I ever wanted to do was just make you proud
Now I'm sittin in this empty house, just reminiscing

I can't talk but i can talk in song lyrics.

2010-02-17T10:24:00.000-08:00

Calories. Diaries. Underground societies.
I wake up in the morning and put on my face. The one thats going to get me through another day.
Don't leave me hanging, in a city so dead held up so high on a breakable thread.
Supermassive black hole.
I'm a pretty impossible lady to be with. If I'm a spinster for the rest of my life my arms will keep me warm on cold and lonely nights.
Breaking the habit. Tonight.
Inside I realize that I'm the one confused.
Clutching my cure, I tightly lock the door, try to get my breath again.
I got my drugs and my stuff and my pills.
Bitch please, you must have a mental disease.
I have snipped your wingspan my precious captive swan.
If you just hold on, if you just hold on, hold on! Cause love is emotion trapped in the soul.
Don't stay.
Maybe no one told you there was strength in your tears, so you fight to keep them pouring out. If no one will listen if you decide to speak.
Heart Attack. Forget reality waking up is hard to do.
Because my knuckles were bloody and I don't feel alright. Some say I'm going to hell but I'm already there.Be free from this life of pain and be free from this ball and chain. I wanna be free from you. I have become everything I never wanted to be.
You saw the look upon your face. You men must really love the chases. Go all the way with me.
I might see you in my nightmare.
I plan on never waking up.
You're just a man, you get what you can. We can all be free. Maybe not.
Am i the only fuckin one who's normal any more?
Cuz when i speak, it's tongue in cheek. I'd yank my fuckin teeth before id ever bite my tongue. I'd slice my gums, get struck by fuckin' lightning twice at once.
Here we go again.
Daughter to father, daughter to father, I am broken, I am broken.